I should have given up on this low-budget Western set in the
1800s when, just over two minutes into it, the main female character, Selina
Stevens, portrayed by Sage Mears, read the line (yes, read, as she did most of her lines), "I can't lift the Crock-Pot all
by myself." It’s hard to imagine
that Geoff Meed, the writer, using the word loosely, is so ignorant as to have
no clue that the trade name "Crock-Pot" and the electrical appliance
it refers to didn't exist until the early 1970s. Then again, his forte is martial arts and
stunts, so maybe he has taken one too many blows to the head. If he didn’t know, then surely someone else
in the cast or crew, maybe the honeywagon driver, should have. That’s where the script belonged—in the honeywagon.
Then, about four-and-a-half minutes in, actor Brian Wimmer
as the character Will Stevens, said, “I gotta replace all the shuttlers and
windows due to the winds that are coming in.”
No, that’s not a typo, that’s exactly what he said—shuttlers. Hey, maybe he
just flubbed the line and the low budget couldn’t stand the strain of
reshooting the scene. On the other hand,
maybe Geoff Meed really should give up the stunts and fighting. Permanent brain damage is no laughing matter.
Perhaps The Asylum, known for producing “mockbusters,” used
these lines as a joke, but they weren’t nearly as funny as this joke of a
movie. It’s ample evidence that movies
really can get worse than the glut of crap coming out of Hollywood these days.
It is difficult to fathom, but yes, I kept watching to the
end, mostly out of fascination at how terrible it was—just as one might not be
able to resist looking at a horrendous car accident or train wreck. But life is too short to have spent time
watching or to further comment on all else wrong with this train wreck.
If you find yourself staring into the abyss of having absolutely
nothing better to do for about 90 minutes, and if you love to moan and groan,
and if you have an extremely masochistic bent to your personality, I highly
recommend you see it.
There, that’s out of the way. I’ll see you in May.
